My last calm weekend in Verneuil

I have got just one another weekend left here in Verneuil. Apart from this one that is. Emma isn't here, T has already moved out. My time here is over. I have to get back to real life. I can't laze around all day, I will have no privacy whatsoever, I won't be paying my own rent anymore, I won't be broke anymore... But I get to back to mum and her cooking and being nonchalant about real life. I don't know if I will ever get back to Paris, take the metro, eat a nutella crepe or drink cider. I dunno if I can weekend in Belgium again. I dunno if I can decide what I do with my money again. What could be sadder than not eating nutella crepes?

I admit, I do not want to go back. I love everyone back home, Im just not ready to say goodbye yet. I'm not tired of being lonely yet. Now that this stay is over, I'm going to act as if this was the best thing I've ever known in my life! I'm going to paint nostalgia all over this experience. I'll forget the miserable times I spent by myself, I'll forget the broke times, the socially awkward times, the lovesick times and the times I missed home!

I will definitely miss going grocery shopping by myself. The carpool conversations, the awkward cheek kissing, the 'pretentious' air kissing, the dinners and aperos, the mid thirties girls nights out, the quiet bar nights with celine, the bleepover movie nights, the bathtub times, the endless skype calls with mum, dad ans someone, having my own room, missing my sister, buying shower gels for her, comforting my mom because I'm grown up, the spider on the shutter, the  watching movies till two in the morning... everything.

I don't want to go home and work to no end back home. I like working three days a work and slagging off the rest of the time. I dont want more money. I dont want to wake up from this dream.

Im just over thinking all this. I wont miss this the moment I eat good food back home.

Paris - Checklist Day

Last Saturday my roommates and I decided to Paris and do some typically touristy things we hadn't done yet and this turned out to be the day I was able to check a few things off my Paris checklist. We wanted to avoid the HUMUNGOUS queue in front of the Eiffel Tower so we decided to meet there as early as possible. T was going to be there with her boyfriend D. E and I took the 8 AM train out of Verneuil and reached Paris at 9. We grabbed a hot chocolate and a chocolate muffin and then went on to take the metro to go to the Eiffel Tower. Turned out that, that day, Paris had decided to make all public transport free to acess! Three euros to buy a crêpe!

The entire week before Saturday was beautiful with some warm sunshine, even Normandy, so known for its horrible weather, felt like Spain. Saturday however started out to be a foggy day. E and I got off the Bir Hakkim stop and started walking towards the tower and fog hid the top. It felt good as ever to see the tower, though. I remember walking out of the same stop towards the tower in October, my first time looking at it and how it felt so... 'Finally!'

T and D were already going up the tower. E and I just joined the queue. We went all the way up in a few minutes, and needles to say the view from there was spectacular. Had it been just me I would have spent the entire day just sitting around and looking at all the cool Paris landmarks, naming them and trying to save a picture of them all in my head. Wonder why they call them 'les Bateaux Mouches' they didn't look like flies swimming on the Seine.  We took a lot of pictures, but none of them captured the entire story, let alone do jutice to the place or to my face.

 I wore that nice kurti and I had to take my jerkin off everytime I posed for a picture. It was annoying but I don't look like a boulder in all the pictures atleast.

  We had lunch at a mexican restaurant, I had three different kinds of Tacos, all with chicken in them. Then we walked around Paris, walked through the Jadin du Luxembourg. Twas huge, with beautiful cherry blossoms and trimmed trees and cool green lawns. Kids were riding cute little ponies. D and T made out and I wondered what it was like to walk around this beautiful city arms linked with the man you love. It must be a warm feeling.

We then walked past the Odeon, just outside the building there was a poster advertising 'Cyrano de Bergerac' with nothing but the picture of a nose. I wondered what it would be like to go and watch the play being performed, I guess I would cry like a baby and embarrass myself. What does it feel like to live in Paris and take the metro to watch a live performance of a classic?

We then walked to Notre Dame; I just had to stand in front and look at the building for a while. it brought back memories of New Years eve. T and D waited outside for me while I went inside Shakespeare and co, this bookshop that droppped out of heaven. It was warm, cozy and reminded me of my image of the Gryffindor common room. They had cozy vintage chairs  and they had typewriters all over. The ground floor was the bookshop and th first floor was their private library. The walls were all covered with what looked like tapestry. I came back downstais and told T and D that I wanted to spend more time here and that they could leave if they wanted to. My train was at 7.55 pm and I had another three hours to go. They had another train to catch earlier.

D then insisted we go eat the famous Berthillon ice cream, T joined in and I wondered what this was about 'cos I had never heard of this thing. So we walked across the 'love lock bridge'. It was GREAT, it was worth the walk , it was even worth the time I spent away from Shakespeares. I had a double cone with 'Caramel au beurre salé' and chocolate. Thats when I parted ways with T and D. I walked by the tiny bookshops across the Seine  and went back to Shakespeare. Not sure how long I sat there but I bought TFIOS paperback and walked outside.

 Walked through the Quartier Latin and decided to go to Saravana Bhavan and check one important item off my checklist. Called S and asked her if she could join me. She said she could. It was fun, eating at HSB, Paris. The dosa wasnt too good but I won't complain. 

Climb up the Eiffel tower
Make a purchase at Shakespeares
Eat at Saravana Bhavan

 All done in one day.

Time's up!

That's right, my time here is up. And like all the good things that happen to me I've not made good use of it, I've abused my time here and very soon when I'm back home I'm going to regret it, I'm going to look back at this time here and miss it. I've booked my flight back home, I've told them I'll pack my bags and leave on the 19th. Some collegues who've become freinds have invited me home for dinner, send off dinner. I've spoken to Mme Hennau and told her I'd be leaving on the 19th. i have permission however to leave my bags in the apartment and pick them up on the 2nd. Between the 19th and the 2nd Im planning on travelling a little bit. South of France and Italy. Yet to decide what cities I must cover. Don't have too much time.

Eventhough I hate it sometimes, I will miss being by myself in the house. I will miss being able to go wherever whenever. I definitely wouldn't miss breaking my head over what to make for dinner and worrying about having a balnced diet and then ending up with the worst possible thing to eat. I will miss the privacy. But I get to go back and start my adult life full of responsibilities and no fun. yay. That is a good thing. Go back, find some job, be responsible, wake up early, clean the house,  get married, save up for a house, have kids, work for them, get fatter and then die of heart attack. I can't travel anymore but then again I won't be broke the last two weeks of the month.

Sob stories. Such sob stories. Such attention seeking.

Chapter 11 in Frankfurt - Christmas

Too many nutella crêpes, souvenirs, chocolate coated almonds, fruits dipped in chocolate and fridge magnets from my travels to far away lands caused my first ever 'I'm broke' sitch. On my way from Strasbourg to Frankfurt , I tried to account all my expenses up to that point (and I was just three days into the trip) and I realised I had spent WAYY too much money on a lot of things. I had another eight days to go, four of them in the foreign land of Germany AND I had to come back and pay rent for the month.

I'm not keen on saying this out loud but, the fact that I didn't have too much money did take a little bit of joy away from the trip. Thankfully I found enough Döner Kebabs and Currywursts to keep my spirits up. Some generous people I met in Germany offered to feed me and my travel companions. And Germany isn't as expensive as France in general. Berlin especially. Imagine my joy when I found an old couple selling fresh hot noodles in huge cups for three euros. Berlin is student friendly. Food is cheap, hostels are cheap, movie tickets are cheap as well but transport isn't. A day pass for the metro in Berlin was a few cents shy of 7 euros. While I spent 24 € a night at an okayish hostel in the outskirts of Strasbourg, I found a room in Frankfurt for 19€ a night. It was right opposite the railway station which means I didn't spend a cent on Public transport. And they had a good spread for breakfast in the morning until 12. Most hostels close their breakfast counters at 9.

I was in Frankfurt for Christmas eve, upset about being almost broke and I was alone. I couldn't wander off on my own thanks to my terrible sense of orientation and well , it was Christmas eve and buses didn't ply on most routes from the hostel.  I bought a German sim card (thought it would be cheaper but ended up spending 22€ on it) because international roaming would be  BAD for my already malnourished pocket. It caused me a lot of trouble because well  all instructions were in German and I had trouble finding someone who would help me with it. There was this Japanese girl in the dorm I stayed, she was really really helpful, she helped me out with the little german she knew. I still couldn't activate the sim so I went downstairs to the reception (youth hostels always have  polyglot receptionists if you know what I mean) to get some help. The guy at the reception spoke good English and German from what I observed. I had to wait for about an hour in the lobby to get my keycard and while I was there I saw that he was always with his laptop and music on while the other receptionist did all the work. So when I went back downstairs I asked him to help me out with the activaion system and he looks up from his laptop and says he isn't good with technology. UGH. ARGH.

Anyway I finally got it to work and called home and felt much better after speaking to people who loved me. I had to step out of the hostel to find this sim and when I did, I noticed the numerous sex shops scattered throughout the street. They all had neon signage and were designed to not let passers by see what happens inside. Found a grocery shop close by with Tamil signs and walked in. Bought a packet of boondhi and asked the lady incharge what sim I could buy to call home. I stepped out of the shop and not far away was Saravana Bhavan! I would have stepped in if I'd had more cash. Anyway. I decided I must lunch there the next day but that did not happen. Came back to the dorm, showered (their showers were clean) and got into bed.

There were five other women in my dorm and they were all well from the east of Asia if you know what I mean. They seemed to know each other's languages and they got along well. I tried to make small talk and then started eating (the homemade biscuits I'd gotten at the Strasbourg christmas market).

As much as I love my bunk bed back home, I've never climbed up to the upper bunk and I've always politely asked anyone who shared bunks with me to please take the upper bunk because I had trouble climbing. I couldn't do this with the other girls because I didnt know for a long time who's bed was taken and who would be open to let me swap beds. I prepared for a night of horror and staying still by carrying my water bottle and a big packet of boondhi up to my bunk.

The beds were so comfy, the sheets so warm and the pillows perfect. I had no idea how time flew by and it was morning pretty soon.

When I woke up, the room was empty. I had planned to take the Frankfurt on foot tour the next day (Christmas Day) but I had to drop that plan because breakfast was really good and because it rained like there was no tomorrow. My  suitcase locked away in the hostel basement, I ran to the railway station to find out what was open and I saw a city hop on hop off tour bus. It was still raining, I jumped in, got a ticket and made myself comfortable on the upper deck. If not for the stupid rain the view would have been great. Anyway. Took a tour of Frankfurt on bus. Once in English and once in French because I had a lot of time to kill and because most museums were closed.

With an hour to go for my bus to Berlin, I got off at the station, picked my suitcase up at the hostel, walked back to the station and started looking for the girls I was going to Berlin with. Germany has a lot of private inter city bus operators and they are the most affordable way to get to one city from another. These buses are comfortable and they even have toilets!

Six hour ride to Berlin, with the two girls I'd met at Delhi. Finished up the homemade biscuits. It was 10:30 when we reached.

Malheur Profond

Pleurer c'est la grandeur humaine.
La tristesse c'est la gloire des emotions.
Les larmes purifient l'âme.
Lui qui est triste, qui connait la vraie suffrance, rempli son coeur de rien.
Et ce coeur tout vide sera aussi son grotte, sa chambre et son cerceuil.
La joie ce n'est qu'une interlude chéri de la vie, censée être triste.
L'âme elle s'envole quand elle est triste,
le poids du chagrin la rend légère.
Et les soupirs lui donne des ailes.

A letter to me in my child bearing age

I've always wanted to have kids, french teenagers make me want to rethink that decision. They've made me ask myself if I can be a good role model to my child. And if I can't be one I might as well not put one miserable version of me on the face of this earth, I've done enough damage all by myself. 

I get so emotionally worked up when I think of these things. I will be making such an irreversible mistake if I don't give my child the best of all I have. Hopefully, I will be financially stable to be able to provide my child with any material thing she might need but anybody could do that! I should be able to make a home where she grows up to be someone of good nature, good taste , good morals and a reasonable sense of loyalty. I should be someone my child looks up to, some she wants to be like when it is her time to live her life. 

Dear me at child bearing age,

                                            I'm writing this letter to you and putting it here so you will read this when the time is right. First of all, congratulations on finally deciding to have a baby! I am proud of you. I hope this decision was made after lots of thought and discussion; and not in some hasty moment of weakness or pressure from whomever. Always remember it is YOUR womb and YOUR body and you have the right to  decide when you want a baby and when you don't. 

Remember all the people/teenagers you've taught till now? Remember some of them you saw in France? Remember how they had no qualms screaming in class, calling people names or being agressive with one another? Remember how they didn't take a second to think about the poor kid they were bullying? Remember how they thought it was ok to be rude  and bitchy and so ill mannered? Remember how much anguish you felt for your future kid everytime you saw them? NOW is the time you can and should do something about it. Before you have a baby, you make sure you know how to handle him, how to guide her, how to engage her and how to teach him. This little human you're in charge of, he will probably be a replica of you, remember he's almost plain sheet of paper the first time you hold him in your hands, but every second that follows that instant he is your responsibilty, he is looking at you, he is watching you, imitating you and learning from you by being you. So always be your best, always be kind, always be good, always be true and always always listen. And not just when she is with you but also when she isn't. Becasue children are young, they aren't stupid; they know when you put up a facade. 

The times when you do something wrong, explain and he will listen, he will understand. Tell him what happened and why you shouldn't have done what you just did in front of him. When he has questions about delicate things, try and break it down for him as much as possible, never never ignore his enthusiasm. Say no to him when he is being demanding and be firm. He needs to understand what he is allowed to do and what he can't do. 

Spend time with her, tell her about your day and never ever forget she is learning from you always.

Give her all my love.

Lots of love and kisses
22 year old me