My Instagrammable Life (Not)

It's not much of a secret to begin with but I would like to think it's not that bad... My life...clearly is not instagrammable at all. As in yes I do go out and I do eat good food, I meet friends and I have fun with them (quite often) but it just seems like everyone is living a much better life on instagram. I can never do and have never done candid photos of me and G lovingly looking at each other . Clearly all anyone ever does is THAT.

I can't take good pictures of food and post them online, I keep forgetting. When there's a hot plate of yummy food in front of me I wouldn't want to disrespect it by wasting time clicking pictures of it, getting the angle and the lighting and the zoom right. No. That's the thing about food. It demands to be eaten. (I went there)

Vacations. When I was touring around in Europe like there was no tomorrow I didn't have an Instagram account. I didn't have a smartphone and I didn't go around flashing my touristy life at everyone. At that point I was naive enough to think that it is wrong to do so and that doing so would take the pleasure away from the travelling. NOW I wish I could redo all that. I wish I was touring around right now.

There is no point to this rant.

I wonder if it's a good idea to just withdraw from all social media. I wonder if I'm capable of doing that. Just withdraw from social media, just stay away and be distant, not care about any one else's life. I don't know if that makes me a better person but it definitely makes me happier when I don't have to feel guilty about feeling jealous about someone's picture perfect life. 

Notice : Coming Back Home

Hey!

So if you scroll down a little you will notice that I have published some posts I wrote in the past now all of a sudden and all in one day. So that's because I've decided to move back to blogger for my personal blog and keep the one on  wordpress for professional stuff. Yeah so in a way I'm coming back home. Here's hoping I would be able to blog more from now. :*

Pillows

Again, do not remember when the hell I wrote it. Definitely while I wasstudying at Ethiraj. What a drama queen I was.

Ever since I felt the first few instances what I would now like to call ‘affection’ for some person, from the beginning of adolescence until this day, for reasons that I have managed to blur after a lot of effort, I have always silently cried under the sheets, so as to not wake the sleeping family. I have always cupped my hands over my mouth to muffle deep sobs, I have always let my pillows dry streams and streams of warm tears. While in bed in the dark it is always easy and comfortable to let my thoughts wander every place they refused to go during the day, afraid that my face might betray me to those ones who seem to so easily read it. I dont know why I thought meeting One person could change that for me. Maybe it is too much to hope for from a soul other than mine. Maybe it all has to happen from the inside.

Block

Don't know when I wrote this. Can't remember the last time I did. But this still is true.

It’s a scary thing, realising you haven’t written in a long time. It’s  even scarier when you sit with your dashboard open and nothing comes to you. What if you can’t do it any more?  Why has it happened to you? Do you recognise yourself? Where is that voice in  your head that told you what to do? Have you killed it with your indifference? What are you doing wrong? Something so natural something so easy, now seems like a huge burden to lift. Has all your time run out? You’ve killed that voice in your head. You let it starve so long, you ignored it. You’ve killed it. Now your head is empty, like everyone else’s. Now you will feel sadness, like everyone else, now you will be plain like everyone else. You’ve lost your gift.

Did you have it at all?  Or was it an illusion? If it was a part of you why did it leave?

There was once a song bird, who sang such soulful songs. Such beautiful music, it made the grass weep. The soul in her music gave her the strength to be. The soul of her music made her believe. A song that’s soulful is the song that’s sad , they say. And the song bird was of course sad. She pined for the rose deeply. The bird’s longing became the soul of her music. The rose did bloom near the bird one day and her happiness knew no bounds. But she loved the rose so much she forgot to sing. 

I'm getting married

Written on 16th Feb 2016

.. on June 16th. In Chennai. At Vadapalani. Please come.

Plungers

Written on the 19th of October 2015

What happens when something is blocked? You use a plunger. You take a plunge? A different kind of plunge, yes.

What brings the block? The answer is manifold.

Tell me if you have had this happen to you. Have you ever hummed your favourite tune carelessly with the wind in your hair at the beach watching the waves with the sun on your back? In those quiet moments when you are all alone with your thoughts have you had someone over hear you? And then have you had this person walk up to you and be genuinely surprised at your ability to sing? Then the inevitable 'Hey, that's cool can you do that again?" happens. And then for some reason, when you do try to reluctantly humm the same tune again your voice sounds terrible, and you've suddenly lost the carefree feeling. Now this person thinks you're a faker, that you're seeking attention. And they walk away. The moment is gone.

It is a lot like when you're in a really quiet public toilet and there is a huge queue of women waiting outside the door. You're sitting there wondering if the other ladies can hear you ... "flow". Can they judge how much liquid you've consumed by how long the trickle lasts? Do they think it is un ladylike? And then all of a sudden you can't pee.

We don't know why these blocks happen. We don't know when they'll break or what will cause them to break. All that we do know is... that when it does eventually break it's going to be a long day.

#Smiley

The day I told mum and dad

Written on the 16th of March 2015

I finally told mum and dad about Gokul. After weeks of agonising over how I would tell them and where I would tell them and what the exact words would be and what my tone of voice should be...

I plucked up some courage and I told them. And yesterday was the day I realised how much I underestimated mum and dad. They patiently listened to everything I had to say. They asked the right questions. No noise, no drama,  just intent looks and meaningful glances. I didn't feel like they despised me after I told them.

My dad said after silently listening to me, I need time to think about this. Fair enough. The conversation was over in about fifteen minutes? Maybe even less but I felt like everything around me and inside me was in slow motion. My voice kept breaking. For some reason. My eyes welled up.  And I went on and on about him. My heartbeat felt like those boom speakers you find at rock concerts, LOUD and CLEAR. I had difficulty breathing.

We were at the beach, around 7 :30 pm. No sunlight. It was quite dark. The floodlight was on. I couldn't see dad's face all that clearly, he was facing the sea. But I know the lights hit my face and I knew he could see me and my reactions clearly. Dad was looking at me all the time I spoke about Gokul.

How do moms do this? Mom essentially said, oh tell me something I don't know. She knew about this all along and see had waited for me to tell her. But then again I really shouldn't be surprised. She has always known what's on my mind without me having to open my mouth.

She said she likes Gokul because he's a nice boy. She said she'll talk to dad. But she said she wanted time to talk to God first.

After this we all got up and left the beach to have dinner outside. Like any other normal day. It felt so surreal. Now I'm ashamed of myself and my paranoia. Why did I even think they were going to hate me? How stupid. They won't hate me. Like mum said, they're my parents, and when I want something (or someone) I'm going to have to ask them to get it for me. Just like I did now. They know that I'm sensible and they will think this through. And they will see for themselves how Gokul is an amazing boy. They will love him once they get to know him. And they will like aunty and uncle once they meet them. And we will all live happily ever after.